Dating Diaries: Dealing with Disappointment

September 10, 2019

Photo by: John Parkinson

Oh boy, dating in 2019 is... exhausting. Or at least it can be if we set high expectations or just run into one too many disrespectful guys on dating apps. I know I've been freaking exhausted from dating apps for the past few months. I've constantly deleted and re-downloaded a few apps out of frustration or because the bland conversations just annoyed me. 

And I'm not going to lie; I've dealt with a ton of disappointment this year in my dating life. But I've finally reached a place where I have accepted that disappointment is a part of life.  And guess what, it's a part of life that will never kill us, so why have I been so terrified of it? 

I definitely go through cycles of not giving two f***s about dating and being irritated that I haven't met someone to build a meaningful life with yet. Sometimes this cycle happens all in the same day. Luckily, I have soooo many other exciting and challenging things to focus on in my life that dating isn't my top priority anymore. Although I will never give up on the idea of romantic love, I'm learning how to quickly bounce back from disappointment and to re-shift my focus to more important things within the hour every time I feel pessimistic about my dating life. 

But tbh, this was an EXTREMELY hard place to reach. Like real hard. I had to spend a lot of time working on my mindset in regards to how much effort to put into dating. I used to put a ton of effort in, but that is kind of wasted energy for me. But hey, old habits die hard. I know I'll have slip-ups, but I'm proud of myself for finally learning how to deprioritize dating and learning how to bounce back a lot faster from dating disappointments than I was able to just a few months ago. 

Its amazing how much progress we can make in a short amount of time if we cultivate the right mindset. 

If you're familiar with my more personal posts, you already know that dedicate a ton of time to self-growth and seeking out ways to help me overcome all the dating woes that kept me up at night in the past. I guess you could call all my failed dating experiences research. I don't know why it took me so long to intrinsically believe and understand the lessons below, but it did. Oh well. We all have our own process. Although I had to learn these lessons painfully (well there're studies to back up how adults learn lessons through pain, so maybe I can blame biology), but I'm glad I did experience them. I feel so durable now, and for that, I am eternally grateful. Here are some of the lessons I've learned over the past year - and luckily these lessons can apply to pretty much every area of your life, but especially apply to dating/relationships in the modern age of "swiping for love".

Lessons I've Learned In 2019
  • Set your boundaries and focus on creating a life you are actually happy about because no one else will give that to you. Relationships should add to your life, not fill a void or hole. 
  • Knowing how to self soothe is the only way to become stronger. 
  • Set strong boundaries (and sticking to them) is the best way to avoid dating drama or pain. 
  • No one has ever fucking died from being disappointed, so chill. There are plenty of fish in the sea ;) 
  • Stop putting guys on pedestals (thanks Actual Black Mermaid for this clarity). I’m over this for sure. I’m looking at people’s actions and not their words or their texts. Seeing clearer and knowing exactly what I’m getting myself into is the key to success. 
  • Taking a break from dating apps is necessary if I'm just starting to feel frustrated by them. If it's not a fun experience, I'm not spending my time on them.  
  • I keep letting myself down by having high expectations and getting invested in people who don’t invest back and who really aren't that special. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but no one can be special/meaningful in my life until we've built a strong bond/connection- and that takes a long time to develop. So no more of that! 
I also wanted to share a few incredible resources that have helped me along my journey. 

My biggest take-away - it’s not about me. I should get over my ego because I have no idea what’s going on in their lives behind the scenes.

Actual Black Mermaid

My biggest take-aways:
  • Don’t get hyper attached to someone you barely know.
  • Loss is expansion!!! The fewer distractions and less energy you spend on the wrong people, toxic jobs and bad habits in your life, the more room there is for the things that actually should be in your life. 

My biggest take-away:
  • If you feel yourself settling, you should step back and focus on yourself. Work on your self-confidence and re-evaluate why you even want a relationship. Relationships should thrive on a want-base, not a need base. Being co-dependent isn’t cute and doesn’t help you grow into your strongest self! 
I really believe that writing out a list of things to focus on instead of dating is a powerful way to stay on track in life, so here is my list!

  • Building a business I love
  • Creating digital and physical content/products that I'm proud of
  • Paying off my student loans!!!
  • Volunteering my time to causes I'm passionate about 
  • Traveling home to visit my family more often 
  • Building wealth and investing
  • Making enough money from an exciting and positively challenging job that allows me to live the lifestyle I want to in the NYC area 
  • Mastering new pole dancing tricks/flows 
  • Mastering new choreographed routines in my traditional dance classes  
  • Saving enough money to get a dog
  • Traveling the world with friends 
  • Learning to speak french 
  • Mastering intense cooking dishes 
  • Expanding my personal and professional network 
  • Reading more 
  • Adding more luxury investment pieces to my wardrobe
This list could go on for a long time, but these are some of the things I'm pursuing at the moment. 

 I hope you share your list below. And thank you so much for supporting my site and reading this post. I love you so much more than you know. Sending you all the love you deserve. Cheers to creating the lives of our dreams. 

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